Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Beautiful once again
It was clear from your messages, that my post brought forth different feelings in everyone...vindication, relief, concern, utter confusion, self-reflection...and others which I won't ever know. Regardless of what my words may have conjured up for you, they gave me a peace that I wasn't fully expecting. My decision to enter the blog confessional was far more cathartic than I would have imagined. While that post had been written in my head for weeks before I shared it, actually putting the words on "paper" was freeing. As my dear friend, Amy, would remind me, journaling is valuable for a reason. And as it is with so many other things, once you put it out to the universe, it begins to change.
In the weeks following that post, Mommy has returned. I can see the beauty in the chaos once again. The breathing is easier and the patience reserves are refilling. Don't get me wrong, it's still not all "sunshine and roses" (as mama Julie put it) it's just a better kind of tough. All the triggers and buttons are still there and still being pushed. I have simply been reminded of the me that knows it won't break me. The me that can take it in stride. The me that knows there is room for error (and it's okay) AND room for improvement. And the me that knows the stakes are too high and time is too short to settle for parenting (or anything else) that just doesn't feel good or right. Thanks for the reminders.
Friday, August 08, 2008
In repair
Where have I been? Well, I could easily rattle off some tale of how it's been all go-go-go and how my almost comedically hectic life with 2 little boys leaves virtually no time for blogging or updating friends and family. I could explain how our current schedule (a self inflicted fate) doesn't allow for much down time at home and how I have left myself with very little time for anything that doesn't directly and actively involve my children. I could say all of those things. They are 100% true. And most everyone in a similar position of mommyhood would probably relate. However, it would only be half of the story.
Truth is, I'm not sure exactly where I've been lately. I can tell you what it feels like. It feels like I've been stumbling around in a semi-blind state. Almost like I've been living life on auto-pilot, not so much taking control of my own path but just driving it. Somewhere along the way, my course was misrouted. Oh, at some point I knew I was lost but I just kept going anyway. Sometimes it feels like that's all you can do...just keep doing.
So, our blog title belies our current climate a little. Of late, we've been a bit skimpy on the "beautiful" and heavy on the "chaos." I haven't felt like me. We haven't felt like us. Mommy's been in kind of a funk and it's time to do something about it.
What's the funk about? Oh, I'm sure it started with the usual things that creep into the mommy brain. Not enough time. Not enough resources. Not enough balance. Not enough me. Those are age old complaints in this job...nothing new. Through all that, I usually comfort myself with the notion that even when I'm struggling, I'm doing what's right by my children and THAT is the most important thing I can do. So, what's the problem? We all struggle with this stuff, right? Well, the funk really started when I took a long cold look and realized I was not, in fact, doing the best job I could for my boys. Wham! Punch in the gut.
This parenting stuff is hard. The last 5-6 months have been REALLY hard. Owen will be 4 in September and Bennett just turned 1 in April. Owen at age 3 (and particularly from 3.5 to now) has been tough. The kind of tough that took me by the shoulders and shook me until all those neatly filed, deeply rooted ideas about parenting and discipline, philosophies and boundaries, right and wrong just got mangled and mixed up. Any inkling that I had my act together was zapped. Any notion that I was at least on the right path was yanked away. Basically, motherhood chewed me up and spit me out.
I have yelled. I have threatened. I have cried (okay, sobbed). I have said and done things I wish I hadn't. While my 3 year old spun out of control, I tantrumed right along with him. At times, it’s been downright ugly. While it is what it is, this kind of behavior just doesn't jive with my idea of parenting and guiding. Bottom line. Everyone who knows me, knows how verbal I’ve been about the importance of “positive parenting and discipline.” And now I can say that stumbling around in the big ol' shoes of hypocrisy is the ultimate walk of shame. It IS the funk.
So, I've been walking around in a stupor. Knowing that I've gotten it wrong and yet not knowing exactly how to climb back out. I've been less than stellar as a wife, as a friend, as a daughter, a sister and, most importantly, as a parent.
All of this may sound dramatic. I mean, I truly don't have a thing to complain about. I have 2 healthy, awesome children and we live a pretty charmed life in general. I know people who have been in true crisis and real turmoil (and my haze has meant that I've failed to be there for them when needed). Some will say I need to snap out of it. Some will say I need to quit with all this self-indulgent crap and pony up. Some will think I'm making a bigger deal than necessary..."it happens to all of us." Still others may be completely surprised by these confessions. Regardless of what anybody else thinks, here's what I know. This is not where I need to be. I've been a little bit broken and a little bit bruised and a whole lot NOT like myself. That needs to change. And that is where I am now. In the thick of it.
Though I am taking all this very seriously, I don’t want to paint a gloom and doom picture. The boys and I are still whooping it up daily. It’s still smiles and adventures and way, way more laughs than tears. It’s just that the good stuff is so easy to write about. The sweet lovey stuff and super capers I can share in spades. It’s the ugly, messy, stumbling moments that normally get shoved behind closed doors and not publicized (most certainly not on our family blog). However, it’s those same ugly moments that have changed me and affected so many areas of my life that I think that airing them out can only help. Plus, so many people have heard me talk about my “parenting philosophies” and how strongly I feel about them that I think it’s important to tell how often I’ve fallen from those ideals and how often I question my ability to parent effectively (or even decently). It’s just frickin hard. And the lessons for me are even harder.
BUT, my ideals haven’t changed, my “philosophies” hold true. I just have to work harder than ever to get there. At the end of a particularly rough day, I remind myself that the day isn’t bigger than me. The day was just the day, tomorrow is another. I can wrap my boys in my arms and promise to be a better, more patient mommy tomorrow.
A week or so ago, I was alone in the living room, picking up toys. Owen was at camp and Bennett was napping. In a rare moment of aloneness, I decided to put on a cd. A "grown up" cd. I was cleaning up, probably thinking about my next task, and enjoying something other than kids music. I was occasionally throwing in a tone deaf duet with John Mayer but, for the most part, the music was just background distraction. Then, one of the verses resonated...it truly hit home with me. I've heard it tons of times before but never so clearly. "I'm in repair. I'm not together, but I'm getting there."
That so describes me right now. I'm in repair. It’s time to re-focus and re-center and figure out what’s broken. I’m not together, but I’m getting there.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Just because
Oh, and I'm slowly but surely adding some recent photos over there in our Flikr badge (see the right sidebar). You can see some new shots there.
Happy summer!
Friday, May 02, 2008
It only took 1 year, 2 weeks
Last week--Wednesday, 4/23, to be exact--the boys and I were in the front yard for a bit. Owen was just home from school and Bennett and I went out to meet him (a friend and I share carpool duties every week...it was her turn to drive). Owen was headed in the house for lunch and I directed Bennett in after him. I was finishing up a conversation in the driveway as both boys were headed inside. I hear the beginning of a 'someting is wrong' cry. You know, not a full-on scream just yet but not your normal-run-of-the-mill fussing either. I look over to see Bennett stooped on the front door threshold, leaning on his hands and beginning to slip into the dreaded silent-cry mode. I run over, thinking he had fallen and hurt himself somehow. When I got to him, he was trembling a bit but his hands were frozen on the doorstep. I actually had the thought "I wonder if that metal is hot," pick him up, look at his hands and see that the skin had already started to slough away! Fast foward through inconsolable screaming, the running of cold water, the call to the pediatrician and the immediate flying down the interstate to the ER...
2nd degree burns. BIG blisters. All from the threshold of our front door!
Very difficult to photograph and get the whole effect, but here's the gist...

As if all this wasn't bizarre and difficult enough, the story doesn't end here. We were directed to follow up with a burn clinic the next morning, presumably for them to get a better look at the burns and change the dressing. I proceed calmly to the appointment only to be told to withhold food and drink for the next 4 hours as he would be put under general anesthesia for a temporary skin graft of either pig or cadaver skin. To say that I was shocked is an understatement somewhere along the magnitude of "I don't care for George Bush" or "I might like chocolate a little bit."
So, after 3-way phone calls with husband, pediatrician, and burn surgeon and after much discussion and debate, Bennett was, in fact, put under general anesthesia and given a temporary, bio-synthetic 'skin bandage'. Ultimately, no cadavers or pigs were harmed in the making of this docudrama. So twice now, in his short little life, I've seen Bennett waking up from anesthesia, fighting post-op nurses and wrestling his IV. (for those who don't know, he had a surgery back in December...all is fine...that's another overdue post)

The worst part of it all was dealing with the bandages for the last week. Both hands were wrapped and taped extensively. We initially joked that we had enrolled him in some revolutionary toddler boxing classes. Within the first couple of days, however, we found that it was necessary to cover the already ridiculous amount of bandages with socks. Otherwise, he chewed the dressings completely off. The socks made his boxing gloves look more like flippers and Owen nicknamed him 'Osbert' after a beloved penguin book that has been read time and time again. Keeping the bandages intact, clean and dry was BY FAR the hardest part of the ordeal.
Yesterday, Osbert's bandages were removed and he is now back to full speed ahead. His was giddy...I mean GIDDY...when his hands were freed and he was able to use them again! His palms are not yet normal in appearance but are well on their way to healing.
Bennett is absolutely no worse for the wear...took the whole thing in stride. We parents, on the other hand, could go another decade or so without seeing the inside of another children's ER.
To prove the relative 'normalcy' of the past week, here's some video footage taken during Ben's bandaged phase. In the second clip, please ignore the household detritus and older sibling making fun of his appendange challenged brother. Otherwise, enjoy.
Despite this brief detour, all is well. As a friend reminded me yesterday, "Crazy is your normal." Ah, indeed.
Friday, February 01, 2008
Warm fuzzy of the day
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Baby, it's cold outside
Both boys found the snow to be far too cold and uncomfortable. Um, perhaps it had something to do with how ill-prepared their parents were and how inappropriately they were dressed for the occasion. No coats? No scarves? No gloves or mittens? Not even any shoes on the baby? Somebody please contact the authorities. I mean, really.
Friday, January 18, 2008
You gotta start somewhere
Bennett is now 9 months old and cruising everywhere. He's now trying to stand on his own (look ma, no hands!) and those chunky little legs are holding up quite well as he tries to find his balance. At the 9 month check-up, he weighed 22 pounds, 5 ounces (at 18 months, Owen was 21.5 pounds...twice Ben's age and STILL not as big!)

Bennett has 5 teeth and is working on more, making him a drool factory. He's like a snail...leaves a slime trail wherever he goes. He is still just as smiley and happy as the last time I posted, though he has recently entered the screaming banshee stage at mealtime. It makes for very interesting dining out experiences. Just like big brother at this age...remember THIS post?
Owen now swims on his own and adores his swim coach, "Coach Matt". Over the summer, we started him in a toddler soccer program and he's still plugging along with that as well...making "Coach George" another often discussed character in the house. Owen also has an imaginary friend who's been with us for awhile now. His name is "Cats in Boots." Occasionally, "Cats in Boots" joins us for a ride in the car, a meal or even a game we might be playing. He seems to be a pretty good cat and I don't have to clean up after him, so I'm not complaining.
Owen is still just as much in love with Bennett as when we brought him home. Though big brother sometimes isn't too keen on Ben's new mobility and the ease with which he can grab the big boy toys, we still have been lucky to have had very few issues at all. In fact, the biggest problem between the two is Owen wanting to hug, kiss and pick up Bennett a little too much.
Though I really don't make resolutions anymore, I always recognize that the New Year brings new opportunities. Opportunities to get it right, to try again, to let go of something that really isn't working out, and to forge new paths. I have situations that fall in each of those categories...relationships, projects, habits, new ideas, etc...and I'm figuring out how to land in a comfortable place with each of them. As for this blog, I see a new opportunity to pick back up again and do my best at sharing our day to day goings-on with family and friends who like to follow along. My intentions are good...we'll see where that takes us.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Just a line...

...to let you know we are all alive and well.
While I assumed most people just gave up on this blog awhile back, there have been a few inquiries of late and a little gentle prodding for me to get back on track. There's so much to update, I just don't even know where to begin. So tonight, I thought I'd just put up a couple of pictures and provide a glimmer of hope for more to come.
We are well (that EKG is a random image...it doesn't belong to any of us). We, like everyone else, are busy trying to carve out our little place in this world. My 2 beautiful boys are growing, changing and challenging me in new ways every day. While it isn't always easy and is rarely as glamorous/romantic/Rockwellesque as I often envisioned, I certainly have no room for real complaints. To borrow a line from a friend's recent blog post, we have a pretty charmed life. We do, we do.
Hello to family and friends who have wondered where we've been. We are alive and well. Keep checking in on us...we'll keep on keepin' on.
Sunday, July 01, 2007
It only took 2 years, 9 months
We were discussing something about the baby when I heard a thwack, followed by a loud cry. We went running into the bedroom to find Owen walking toward us, crying, and telling us he bumped his head. Rob picked him up and was cuddling him when I saw blood seeping through his hair. My stomach flipped and I felt sick and panicky. I say this because if you know me well, you know I don't get queasy very easily...this mothering thing changes the game entirely.
Within minutes, he had already bounced back and wanted to run and play as usual. We never could get him to let us really see the cut, but the slowly oozing blood was not a great sign (and from what we could see, the gash seemed that it might be fairly deep). We called the doctor, knowing what the instructions would be and packed up to head to the Children's Hospital ER.
We prepared ourselves for a long wait...grabbing lunch before we left and packing up gobs of toys and various distractions. However, once at the hospital, we were triaged and in a treatment room within 10-15 minutes. The doctor came in to see us about 2 minutes after that! At every stop of the way, we were very impressed and very much at ease. Big thumbs up for Children's Healthcare of Atlanta.
Once they cleaned off the blood and pulled aside the matted hair, it was pretty evident that Owen wasn't leaving without some souvenirs. He ended up with 3 staples in his scalp (or 3 "magic strings" if you ask him. The nurse originally thought he'd be getting stitches). Not a single tear was shed the entire time we were there (if you don't count Mommy's tears, that is). Owen was amazing...charming and funny and just very "Owen" throughout the visit.
In addition to the staples (oh sorry, "magic strings") in his head, Owen also scored a stuffed monkey given to him by one of the nurses (he has, of course, named it George) and an orange popsicle. A visit that could have been understandably traumatic was really just fine overall for him. As I write, Owen is napping in his bed and his usual bedtime monkey has been tossed aside (actually, he was banned from the room) to make space for George, his new friend. While mommy is a bit shaken by the whole experience, Owen seems no worse for the wear.
So, it only took us 2 years and 9 months to have our first ER visit with Owen. Magic strings, monkeys and popsicles aside, I STILL say it's not the best way to spend a Sunday morning.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Great Question
The vast majority of the time, I think motherhood and my decision to stay home and experience it at its fullest, is a true gift...an experience that I would trade for no other. Then there are the days where I actually fear that one of us may not make it out alive (and the demise of that individual may be by my own hand).Today was one of those days.
Simply put, Owen was having a rough time (which means, I was having an even rougher time). In his own words, he was "doing bad wistening." Bad listening doesn't even begin to cover it. I must have taken 250 deep breaths today. I KNOW that I had to stop myself mid-yell at several points with a silent reminder that I was the adult here and to take it down a notch. He was like Dennis the Menace meets the Tasmaniam Devil. We are talking Out. Of. Control.
At one point, in the midst of one of his serious spazz-outs, I took deep breath #168 and simply said, "Owen. WHAT are you doing??"
He continued his full-speed run into the sofa and then stopped and said, with complete sincerity,
"Dat's a reewee gweat question, Mommy. I do NOT know."
We both laughed so hard for the minutes that followed that I almost forgot we were in the middle of one of those days.
Crazy kid.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
He's as big as...
For those keeping track and wanting the details, here they are. At 2 months...
Weight: 15 pounds, 1 ounce
Height: 23 inches
And for anyone who wants to know if I'm worried about his size as he gets older, Dot-Dot's extensive record keeping comes to the rescue again. My now average-sized husband had Bennett beat at 2 months...he was a whopping 16 pounds, 3 ounces at that age. If you've met Rob, you know he is not now, nor was he ever, a BIG guy. So, NO, I'm not worried at this point. For now, Ben's size just makes him ever so chewable (and makes Mommy's arms so tired).
We all particularly love his ample cheeks and hear comments about them on a pretty regular basis. The other day, after hearing a friend comment on Ben's lovely, puffy cheeks, Owen replied, "Bennett's a cheeky one!" No doubt, that comment was made possible thanks to the Thomas the Tank Engine theme song.
There's just so much of Bennett to love. See for yourself and love on our big boy along with us. I've even thrown in this video so you can share in our adoration of the chunky monkey.
What 9 months can do
Owen will be attending a different preschool this fall, but we are grateful for the time spent with friends and teachers this year. Here are some highlights from the year, included in his adorable student portfolio sent home on the last day...


Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Promises, Promises

Thursday, May 24, 2007
See? I told you!
It took Bennett a whole 6.5 weeks to perfect this move, with his first success happening at just shy of 4 weeks. For comparison's sake, it took Owen 15 weeks. Boy, are we in for a fun ride.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
It's a good thing he's so cute
Sitting on the sofa next to a very pregnant mommy friend of mine, Owen stared at her belly for a bit then looked up and said...
"My mommy's tummy is SOOOO squishy!"
Gee, thanks. Here is where I should teach him the little tidbit of advice that Rob is so fond of giving to me, "Just because it's true doesn't mean you should say it."
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Happy Mother's Day
My big boy
When talking about "my big boy", you might assume I was referencing the older child. However, it is also a fitting term for our newest addition as well. As you already know, at birth, Bennett weighed in a full 2 pounds heavier than Owen's birth weight (they were both born at 39 weeks). Well, at the rate he is growing, he threatens to outpace his big brother very soon. And those cheeks.
At his 1 month appointment, Bennett weighed....drum roll, please...13 pounds. Yes, 13 POUNDS! While Owen finds himself in the 10th percentile (and lower) on the weight-for-age charts, Bennett is in the, um, 100th percentile. He is also in the 85th percentile for height. So, when I talk about 2 extremes...2 opposite ends of the spectrum...you know that I'm not kidding. (*It may be important to note that Rob weighed a hefty 13 pounds, 10 ounces at his one-month visit! So, there you go.)
One need only take a glance to see that the 2 boys are opposite in so many ways. From hair color to skin tone, you wouldn't immediately guess that these 2 were brothers. And while it is FAR too early to make such predictions, I do find myself thinking that I just might have gotten my wish about that "mellow" personality. We shall see.
Thomas!
He was even excited to share the day with little brother and as the train took off, leaned over the sling to exclaim, "get ready for bwast off, Bennett!"
While Owen took in all the sights and sounds from the window of our train car, Bennett was happy to snooze away the entire ride .
We initally had our doubts about a trip like this so soon after Bennett's arrival, but we are now so glad we took the chance. It was a very successful family trip and a great day for everyone.





